Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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