When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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