Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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