you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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