Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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