im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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