i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
