he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
