Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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