I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
