i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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