omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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