It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
