Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
