i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
