If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize