If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
