about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize