this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
