my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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