Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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