the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
