Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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