Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He's on the porch naked. Help.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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