Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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