i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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