First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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