two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
