i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
