i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
