i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
