Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
