note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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