hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
