new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
