I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
