if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
