3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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