I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
