My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
