I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
