Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
