Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
