i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
