i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
did i walk over a car last night?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
