we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
