You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize