i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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