there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
