I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
