I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
