Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
