I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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