I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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