I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
