Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
