Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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