I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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