your parents love me but you hate me
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
