he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
