i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
