i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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